A Real Life Scenario…
The urge to dance Tango overrides all your sacred priorities. Sometimes it is overbearing and other times it is nice enough to relinquish its power so you can lead a normal, task-oriented existence.
Amidst the struggle, there’s a woman in your life who doesn’t possess the same passion for the dance as you. What does she do and how does she feel as you live out your need to embrace on a regular basis?
Now, a recent comment from a curious reader:
I am a TANGO “girlfriend widow”. I started dating a lovely man in June who is passionate about Tango. He has danced all his life and has been doing tango for about 4 years. He goes to Practica or class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. We usually only see each other on Saturday evening.
It makes it hard to sustain a relationship.
You might suggest that I go and learn Tango too, I did try that but as my BF was so far advanced compared to me he did not enjoy dancing with me.
Members of The Tango Notebook community, share some general advice from your personal experience to help our friend and ensure that Tango couples can live together in harmony 
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{ 11 tango-induced comments… read them, love them, and add your 2 cents! }
All things that are important to us require compromise. My husband does not dance and has no interest in learning any type of dancing. We have compromised and I dance on three nights a week. But that’s not really the point if the rest of the time I’m dead tired and have no energy to spend doing things with him when we are together. I adore tango and anticipate dancing for the rest of my life, but he is my priority. However it’s easier to make that statement since he was “there first”.
In your situation, tango was there first. You may have to compromise more. It’s a shame that he was impatient with your learning to dance. I would recommend trying to learn again, independently of your boyfriend – though I know that will be difficult. Take heart that the “ramp up” for followers is much faster than for leaders. So while you are “behind” his level now to the point where you don’t enjoy dancing together, you will find yourself gaining ground very quickly.
The reason I suggest taking classes seperate from his involvment is so that you can devote your time and energy to *your* dance – not to the way someone else might want you to dance. Tango, more than I think any other dance, is very personal and your relationship to the music and the dance is for you to cultivate your way and in your time.
I always advocate learning tango of course – not for your boyfriend, but for you. And while your boyfriend may not enjoy dancing with you as a beginner, I think you’ll find that’s not the case generally. When I started tango, before I knew a single step reliably, I was asked to dance *constantly*. Beginner followers tend to have very full dance cards.
Good luck on your journey, whatever your choice,
mari
You can’t ask people to give up things they were doing before you met them. You can either dump him and find someone else, or you can learn Tango, but only if you like it.
It won’t matter if he is on a different dance level to you. If the issue is about spending time together, then this is another way to do that as you can go to events together. Even if you don’t dance with each other, being in the same room can make a difference.
Another thing. Your partner isn’t necessarily going to be your best dance partner. You might not be that great when you start out, but the chances of you eventually being better than him are very high as it takes women less time to progress. I have heard it can take a man up to 3 yrs to be as proficient as a woman after 1. So the odds are in your favour.
Lastly, if you do well in Tango, your BF might not like it, especially if you become better than him. This could cause other problems and might be a topic for another post!
2 options:
1) Stay home. Then tell him it’s Tango or you because “Real men don’t dance.”
or
2) Go. Then wrap your arms around him and follow his lead. Find out what a real man can do.
good luck!
I agree with Mari. Better yet, take privates to become a better dancer and do this all on your own then dance with your guy.
My husband doesn’t dance either and it has been a struggle but just because you don’t dance doesn’t mean you can’t go to the practicas and milongas. Tango is a social dance so sit at the table and socialize with his tango friends. This will dispel some myths for you.
Good luck to you and yours.
Arlene –
“Your partner isn’t necessarily going to be your best dance partner. You might not be that great when you start out, but the chances of you eventually being better than him are very high as it takes women less time to progress. I have heard it can take a man up to 3 yrs to be as proficient as a woman after 1. So the odds are in your favour.
Lastly, if you do well in Tango, your BF might not like it, especially if you become better than him.”
Right on!! What she said.
I think the issue isn’t just that you’re “not as good as him”, but that he’s not willing to have a non-tango or non-dancing relationship. Most people love it when their romantic interests take up dancing as well, but then again, most people don’t snub their partners if they’re at a lower skill level. While telling him, “It’s me or Tango,” isn’t entirely fair, it’s not out of bounds for you to ask him to spend a little more time with you. You can’t be a boyfriend only one day a week. You’ve shown you’re willing to learn to dance for him (even if he wasn’t entirely helpful and encouraging), now it’s time for him to show he’s willing to take some time away from dance for you.
Like Mari said, I encourage dance for the sake of dance. If you liked your lessons, then take more, but don’t do it for anyone but you! Otherwise, if you try to improve simply to win his affection and approval and (ultimately) his time, and it still doesn’t work out, it could put a negative slant on your dance experience, and that, to me, is the greater tragedy.
Good luck.
well… a relationship ‘in’ tango is still a web, huh?
at some point in EVERY relationship there usually does come a conversation that revolves around ‘it’s THIS OR THAT or it’s me’. that’s not to say it HAS to be an “either or” situation but i just wanted you to know that this is a non-gender and non-tango specific issue. where one or the other of you has a passion, be it hanggliding or tango, there needs to be compromise. no offense but, generally speaking, someone that isn’t willing to be patient enough to ‘catch you up to speed’ or doesn’t like encouraging you ENOUGH is a jerk. as much as i’d like to believe tango doesn’t have ‘jerks’ amongst its ranks, i guess that’s just not the case. you may be better off without him. he’s ONLY been dancing 4 years. he simply doesn’t know that much yet. if he were a better lead, he’d already know how to dance tango WITH YOU. GUARANTEED: you will pass him in ability very soon. dancing with different partners is key to your success. boldly strike up a conversation with the BEST lead in your community – in your height range – and ask him to dance with you at a practica – NOT a milonga (not a good idea); explain your situation and see if he doesn’t step up to the plate — i bet that man can take you, a novice, and by the end of the tanda, make you feel and LOOK like you already know how to dance tango, and, you will have your ‘ephiphany dance’ and probably become as hooked as he is now. you should explain to the lead that you do not expect him to dance with you ever again but that you’d like to get a feel for what all the hubbub is about. your boyfriend may not like dancing with you NOW but he should still be respectful to you and agree to a ’standard operating procedure’… for most couples that means the first and last tanda of the evening. it’s not set in stone.
TANGO is magical and intense and the SECRET is in the music. we each do the ’same thing differently’. listen to the music A LOT. i did 24/7 for about 3 months. and i danced 6 nights a week for a couple of years. i’ve been dancing 8 years now.
my boyfriend has been dancing tango 6 months. yes, we met at a festival. a festival that, by all matter of reason, the man should NOT have been at (it’s for intermediate and advanced dancers). we were standing next to each other talking to a mutual friend so at the end of the cortina he knew enough to answer my cabaceo so i figured he knew what he was doing. he said he didn’t. it was a MILONGA. HIS FIRST. i simply said, ‘no worries’ and back-led him. and yes, i didn’t follow protocol and taught him a basic step on the dancefloor. it was so crowded no one noticed. i did tell him it was ‘generally not accepted’ but i wanted him to have fun and get around the dancefloor without feeling like a complete idiot. we managed just fine.
when i found out he was a ‘newbie’ (just 2 months at that point) i just encouraged him (and continue to do so) to dance with as many partners as possible. tall, short, big, small, very good, amazingly bad, whatever. i encouraged him to continue to find a practice partner (he was already looking for one). and he has. he wants to dance ALL the time. i don’t. and so he does. and i don’t. what i DON’T do is try to teach him. we are hoping to take a series of classes from one of my favorite teachers (it’s a scheduling issue we’ve got to work thru) and we will practice those lessons and do drills, just like we would if i knew nothing. i can give him feedback about what i ‘feel’ and what i think he should try but, first and foremost, i want a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him. we have so many other things in common, outside of tango, that my area of focus is on that.
so… find yourself a partner to practice with at these practicas that he goes to. take more classes IF tango gets into your blood. i danced 3 nights a week and did drills and did what most of ‘us’ that become obsessed do. bottom line: it really is JUST a dance.
please remember the basics and drill and practice these a 1000 times… keep your thighs, knees and ankles together thru turns, keeping your heels down (stay grounded). find and maintain your own axis. DO NOT lean on the man’s shoulders with dead weight… lightly press against him. ask a woman in your group to explain what i mean by these terms if it’s all new to you. watch YouTube videos.
ultimately i believe that relationships are more important than tango… but i don’t necessarily think i’m in the majority on that point!!!
GOOD LUCK!!! Darlene (Denver)
I have spent the past year of my life taking private lessons in the various ballroom dances, salsa, and then Argentine tango, in the beginning only because I am in love with the most exquisite woman I will ever know, and learned of her passion for dance. My father was a truck driver and I grew up working on cars, getting in fights…if you had asked me 2 years ago if I would love dance I’d have laughed at you.
Then I discovered Argentine tango – quite by accident, as I had no appreciation of the sensual elegance of this form until I went to an exhibition at a museum last April and was completely seduced by it! Sharon doesn’t even dance this (I’m working on her) but I find it absolutely compelling. Frankly that relationship seems extraordinarily tenuous at times lately, but the inner power and freedom to feel with great passion that Argentine tango has unleashed within me in the past year will be with me forever.
I suppose most art is sublimated libido (not everyone will agree with me but I’m right
) and your love for your amante may be driving you to explore dance for now – so be it! Explore! But I encourage you to pursue the art of dance with your own curiosity and lust for self discovery no matter the final outcome of your relationship…the inner power and freedom you discover will make you an even more compelling woman than you likely already are, and I promise you will love yourself more as you progress on the journey.
Finally, if he can’t be encouraging or gentle with you in your discovery process, consider that this likely is how he is in other areas of intimate expression, and you might choose a better man. Some of us exist. With warm wishes for your happiness…
James
So I have the same thing, I dance Tango and the woman I am currently daiting does not dance. She claims she has two feet and what I told her was , only dance Tango if its something you want to do for you not me. I really ment it. I have had girlfriends that did not dance and I did. They said they danced but really did not, and really did not like to dance. I compromised and gave up dance and became very unhappy. I will never do that again. I have taken her to a milonga where she sat and watched, I did ask her to dance and she declined. She told me to just sit and watch the people become someone else when they danced was better than any entertainment she could pay for. I did offer to pay for lessons (privates), and one again she declined. The time we spend together we cherish and make it special for just us. I do some things I am not a big fan of but I find enjoyment in being part of her life. She still suggest that I go and dance with anyone I want to just to watch me dance and ever once in a while she suggest a partner for me to try and dance with. She did say maybe one day she will try it, but not now. So I have a wonderful relationship with a woman who trusts me for me, and I have a wonderful woman who I trust for just being her. It might take two to tango, but Tango brought us together.
Best Keno
I used to teach Tae Kwon Do, and had several boyfriends that did not. Many of them tried taking classes for awhile, but didn’t stick with it very long. I am fairly new to dance and am single at the moment so I haven’t had the same experience with dance but I imagine that it would be a similar situation.
Anyway, when I was with those boyfriends, even though I was teaching 3-4 nights a week, I still managed to make time to spend with the guy I was with. If he really wanted to, he would make time to spend with you, but it seems he is content to just see you on Saturdays. Which is fine if you are content with this as well, but it seems you are not.
If you want different things from the relationship it most likely won’t work out in the long run. Your guy may also see tango as his “me” time, he may not want you there. Anyway, if you do decide to take up Tango, do it for you, not because you think its something he wants you to do. Talk to him and find out if it bothers him that you only see each other once a week and maybe you can find some more time to spend together or if he really doesn’t want to spend more time with you than that, then you know its time to break up with him.
Hi. It seems as if you have two problems:
1. Your guy only wants to see you on Saturday nights.
2. Your guy is not patient enough to teach you the dance.
You have two options:
1. dump him and find a guy that likes to do what you like to do and will hang out with you enough to fulfill that need.
2. learn the dance form on your own and see if that makes things better or worse.
Option 1 (dumpging your bf) will hurt for about 6 months or for about as long as it takes to find another guy. (hopefully a patient one)
Option 2 (learning tango) will hurt for about 6 months and if you fall in love with Tango, the guy will not matter, because you will have Tango. Either way you’re in for about 6 months of crap. I believe that option 2 is the much better option, but I’m biased.
I have a gf whom I dragged over from Salsa (kicking and screaming) and now we have a great time. But it took a year or so before she really got into Tango and now she has her own dance partners and we have a very nice social life in tango. It has definitely given us a new dimension in our relationship as well as something to do together. But at times it was not fun or easy getting to this point and it required a lot of patience on both our parts.
The one thing you can’t do is expect a dancer to not dance. It is so sad and often the case in the tango community that we lose one of our members to a non-dancing person. Invariably that member always comes back after the break-up with the same old story about how miserable they were b/c they couldn’t dance any more. That kind of thing can kill a relationship. But it more often than not is a slow and painful death.
So do yourself a favor and come join the fun. It might suck at first. But the rewards are endless. Trust me, you’ll see. cheers and good luck! lg