We All Feel This Way Sometimes
Hate is a such a strong word. It connotes intense dislike, extreme aversion, or hostility toward someone or something. While the intensity seems fitting for tango, it sabotages your dancing. I get angry at my tango partner for the silliest reasons because tango’s intimacy makes me more vulnerable.
Keep an Eye Out for Extremes
You’re human, and as complicated as that can be for you at times, frustration usually stems from not having your expectations met. From a generic standpoint, it’s usually for these two reasons:
- Life dealt you a crappy hand or
- you simply don’t speak up when you need to!
In tango, the latter is true. Don’t think that just because you’re holding someone close that he or she can read your mind. Tango telepathy doesn’t exist, so communication with your tango partner is a must to avoid the little annoyances that can develop when you’re dancing.
My Microscopic Annoyance
This is where I invite you all to call me petty. No matter which obstacle keeps me from dancing – whether it be physical pain, uncomfortable posture, temperature, etc. – this one gets to me the most:
Hair in my face!
I make it a point to breathe comfortably and regularly while dancing. If my partner’s hair is dangling in front of my nose and mouth, guess where it ends up going? That’s right, it becomes my mid-tango snack! This has happened so many times that my reaction to it quickly becomes explosive and leads to me disconnecting from my partner’s embrace, giving her the death-stare, and sighing with disapproval.
What a child I am.
Here’s how I kick my frustrations to the curb…
A Solution to Mind Pollution
I know my tango partner well, but you may not. If you’re at a milonga dancing with a total stranger and frustrations rears its ugly head, think before you act. Keep your mouth shut if it’s a trivial annoyance, but, if you’re absolutely on your last nerve (like me when hair gets in my face), then you must politely express yourself this way to your tango partner:
I apologize, dancing stranger, but I feel frustrated.
It’s not your fault, but when [irritant] happens, I feel [emotion].
Can we try X, Y, or Z? What do you think?
The only thing worse than expressing a complaint is not proposing a solution for the problem. Don’t ask for someone to fix your problems for you. If you must speak, ask for assistance in applying your proposed solutions.
It All Works Out in the End
Make no mistake, you and I are not monsters! We’re only human. I have a great deal of respect for my tango partner and care for her very much. I particularly admire the way we keep personal matters at bay when we practice.
If personal matters ever pose a threat to your practice, you and your tango partner should mutually agree to terminate the session before it gets out of hand so you can cool off. Communication is key!
And speaking of communication, tell the Tango Notebook about a time when you felt frustrated with your partner. Comment about it below…
Keep dancing,
Dr. Phil (Panayiotis Pete Karabetis)
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{ 41 tango-induced comments… read them, love them, and add your 2 cents! }
This is one of those issues that I have to admit I go back and forth on. Instruction on the milonga floor. While everyone generally agrees that instruction and criticism should be held for practicas and classes, I’ve had a couple dance partners literally stop in the line of dance to explain a lead that I missed and then lead whatever it was again until I “got” it. I really value feedback – but there’s a time and a place.
To be fair, there are two partners that I dance with (and practice with) frequently who have my explicit permission to correct me on the milonga floor.
That’s because:
1.) they don’t get personal, and
2.) they can provide feedback quickly and smoothly without stopping the line of dance.
But the key is still the fact that we agreed ahead of time that it was okay.
Haleluya!
Yes, having a partner that delivers constructive feedback without disrupting the flow of dance (at milongas) and personal feelings (during practice) is such a luxury.
I never like correcting someone in the line of dance because who’s to say that I’m right or wrong? Unless I feel something is empirically incorrect – meaning, I’m personally being affected and it doesn’t feel good – then I’ll make a mention of it with a calm voice and smile on my face.
I’ve had the entertaining pleasure of seeing people lose their cool on the dance floor when most times it’s their personal preference that’s stirred and not a principle of alignment, posture, floorcraft, etc.
I’ve also had students proclaim that tango dancing is better than marriage counseling because of the huge emphasis on interpersonal communication it requires.
Do I see a new industry blooming? …
Tango Counseling!
Tango counselling – great idea!
I never knew it was possible to have a honest-to-god fight while dancing, but my partner and I managed it. It’s funny now, but it wasn’t at the time. At one point he led a boleo on a very crowded floor (I could feel the follower’s skirt behind me – that’s how close) and so I planted my foot on the ground hard.
I think I must have suddenly felt like I had anvils on my legs. After that I thought maybe all those times stage dancers were dancing what looked like “angry tango” weren’t an act after all lol.
There are so many times on the floor when I’m really feeling the music and I forget my other jobs (like traffic duty). My partner will sometimes change her embrace into a grab as if to say incoming traffic!
It always jars me, but I only stay upset long enough to realize she’s just looking for both of us and the poor feet and body parts of the other dancers surrounding us. It’s all an act of love and, in some cases, pure survival. LOL
Are you feeling better, Mari?
Great site Pete,
I had a nightmare tango partner a few months ago. Yes, she was very competent in the Argentine tango, even did a showcase, but personally she was beyond the pale of any acceptable standards of social conduct: criticized or ridiculed my clothes, refused to acknowledge my opinions or inputs in our practice sessions, and even did not show up to private lessons, causing me embarrassment, and wasting the instructor’s time. I was relieved when she broke off the partnership! Does dance expertise breed out-of-control arrogance in some people?
@Lee –
More than you can ever imagine!
Naturally, it depends on the individual, but in your case, your partner seems to think that your lack of experience gives her the right to push you around. I remember you telling me about her. Rest assured, there are plenty of other tango fish in the sea, especially in Baltimore.
In the end we’re all just people, Lee. Good to hear from you again. Hopefully I’ll see you out dancing tango or at the studio.
This is a great post! I think that it is applicable to everyday life as well as tango. Especially the don’t complain unless you have a solution bit.
I don’t have a tango partner… as you know. So I couldn’t tell you my annoyance with my tango partner.
Maybe one day I will have the privledge to have a tango partner annoyance
You can apply it to everyday life. It’s the Steven Covey philosophy of responding vs. reacting to a stimulus. You just say the word and I’ll find you a tango partner to get mad at!
Speaking as someone who hasn’t had a regular partner, it is a constant struggle to remain relaxed as you have no idea what kind of person is about to lead you around the dance floor. Will it be someone who makes you feel like you are dancing on air? Will they try to take advantage of you (yes this has happened) or are they two left feet on an axis, but eager learners? My emotions are almost always somewhat contained, because the dance is often just about… “Who IS this person”???
Consider yourself a bit lucky in the sense that you always have to be on your toes. The fact that you dance with so many different people is an advantage, S! You’re following will evolve and adapt, trust me.
Thaniks for the reply Pete.
In normal circumstances I would have walked away, but tango pleasure-centers in my brain would have none of that…..
I tolerated her behavior because I am so in love with the tango. Isn’t it funny what the tango makes us do?
By the way, I am searching for a competent female instructor for private lessons. If you know of one please Email me. One proviso though: she must believe in the “basic 8″ approach to teaching tango. The closest approximation I can find that respects this is the “Dario lessons” that are available online.
Lee, what is your definition of the basic 8 approach to teaching?
Pete,
The “basic 8″ (leader’s part) is described well here:
http://www.videojug.com/film/argentine-tango-basic-step-for-the-leader
Many instructors in the Baltimore area do not follow this approach, preferring instead walking forward after the fifth count. Their approach assumes the usual CCW motiion around the dance floor (i.e. walking back for the man is hazardous in a real milonga).
But the approach I have followed via a private instructor, is to dance Argentine tango in place, much like the rumba. I have seen many couples in the Baltimore and DC area who follow this approach, and many “famous” instructors favor this also, as do some of the more recent Hollywood movies popularizing the Argentine tango.
Lee, be careful!
I say this because the basic eight approach has the propensity to create robots that follow steps rather than feelings. You didn’t ask for my advice, but, if you did (you like how I side-stepped that, there…), I’d suggest working just as hard at partner communication.
Learning steps and figures are fun, but they can put your dancing in a box. A major problem that arises from focusing too much on steps and patters is thinking that all steps go with all music. That is not the case. As the music changes in cadence and intensity, so should your ability to improvise to the music.
I’ve rambling here, although get your feet wet with as much information as possible at first because even though the name may be Argentine Tango, its styles and mutations are numerous. The basic 8 is an approach, but ask your teacher if he/she believes their really is a tango lead and let me know what you find.
Always a pleasure!
I don’t have a regular tango partner unless you count my instructor. However, I can tell you that in any dance, basic hygiene is a must for both partners. There was a group class I took awhile ago and one of the other students in the class had the most horrible breath ever. I’m not sure he is aware of what a toothbrush is. Lucky for me he always chose me as a partner. I started bringing gum to class and offering it to him and asked the teacher privately if we could change partners more often. The teacher agreed to this but eventually even with the gum and switching partners, his bad breath just made the class so unpleasant for me that I decided not to continue the following month.
@Beth
Why do you think I’m always drinking water and brushing my teeth before class?!
Pete,
As someone who has studied modern dance for many years in my early 30’s, I definitely agree with you on the innovative and creative aspects of dance movement. We were encouraged, and I agreed wholeheartedly, to be very expressive and not be a slave to the music when studying modern dance. I carried this over into ballroom when I began studying it in later years. Ballroom instructors though are very oppossed in my experience to innovation on the dance floor, preferring instead that you follow rigid patterns that quickly become boring. It is interesting though that even in the Argentine tango I find that people are very restricted in their interpretation of the dance, and usually wind up doing the same thing over and over again.
That being said I think when I hire a private instructor I like her or him to emphasize patterns and technique. I can always rebel against or alter these patterns later on and usually do. In some styles of the tango, there are some interesting patterns such as the drag, the sandwich, and so on, that are quite fun to do at times.
Well, now I am rambling….so I better quit.
At any rate, if you know of a good female instructor let me know.
You got it, Lee!
Rebel away and let’s exchange information next time we meet.
Come to Latin Palace Sunday afternoons if you haven’t already.
Lot’s of females that may be looking for a partner/student.
Comment on Beth’s comment:
I had the same experience with a female member of a class Beth, but in her case she always seemed to come to the class after finishing her aerobics workout. All the men in the class seemed to want to go to “wide-open” embrace when dancing with her……………
Pete, I will be there on Sunday.
Actually I was there on Sunday Aug 30 at 4:30. No one showed up, not even a partner who arranged to meet me there or the instructors.
I am beginning to feel picked on! (laughing)
I might see you there for just the classes. Me and Ali won’t pick on you, promise
To have or not to have a regular Tango partner is something I am always debating. I tried one for a while and I found that I was not allowed to dance with other people at the many milonga’s we attended together. If I went to a milonga without her I was in the dog house.
What could I say I was in Boise ID and she was in Seattle WA. Tango in Boise no way was I going to miss that. Long story and dissension, I like being single, I go to many milonga’s by my self and I dance with a lot of different people. The practica’s I dance with beginners and experts (that’s what they say, another reply) I just dance for myself and enjoy the art of Tango when you can become one with the music and the person you are dancing with. That’s tango magic.
Keno,
My tango partner and I work together, write together, and dance with other people together. I’ll be the first to say that I have the best partner who understands my ups and downs and rolls with them.
She also wants to dance with other people to and I’m glad. In many ways, we always bring back what we learned from other people and improve our dance together. I like dancing with her the most… there’s never a dog house in sight!
Much appreciation for your comment, million dollar man
If part of the lure of tango is that you share intimate improvisational moments with complete strangers, why in the world would you want to have a regular dance partner unless they were your significant other or your spouse? …especially if that regular person is not fun to be with! I don’t get it.
Time constraints, convenience, similar dance goals… all these could play a part in choosing a single dance partner. Having scheduled practice with one person helps refine your skills so when you dance with others, you can absolutely share those intimate improvisational movements with them!
“Do I see a new industry blooming? …
Tango Counseling!” – We are already there Pete. I’m a relationship coach and I have had a few clients who have struggled with significant others who are also tango dancers.
Re: “Do I see a new industry blooming? …
I see the rhetorical question has ignited a response! I’m curious. What relationship patterns did you discover while coaching your struggling tango clients?
I am fairly new to AT and always inform my partners that I am a newbie and if they prefer to find a more practiced follower, I understand.
Some thank me and walk away but most are willing to take me in an embrace and I will accept kind constructive suggestions and most leaders are very kind but occasionally I wind up with a leader who thinks he is the best dancer on the floor and his wet noodle leads leave me at a loss.
I dance many other disciplines without a problem so I know how to follow leads. The more gracious leaders will kindly state that they did not lead well and dismiss my apology which gives me confidence and turns it into a learning opportunity.
I try to avoid ‘wet noodle’ even if it means sitting out a song. Let me apologize for other women who turn down a man and then accepts another’s request during the same song. If she mentions to him it was a saved dance – non-issue but I have seen some men leave especially when they are new to dance.
Thanks for the opportunity to share.
Annette, thank YOU for sharing. Egos and sensibilities differ from person to person. That is your experience as well as my own.
I’ve been turned down for a dance before only to see that same woman accept a dance seconds later.
Her reasons could revolve around fear, comfort levels, or be because she thinks I won’t provide her a good lead. It’s okay. It’s nothing personal and I don’t dwell on it because that’s counter-productive.
RE: “What relationship patterns did you discover while coaching your struggling tango clients?”
Some of my clients are dancers, but not only tango. The only scenario that seems to be a “pattern” is when partners dance with others. If one of the two is more popular, the less popular partner does not have much fun sitting on the sidelines or having to dance with less desirable dancers.
Let’s say, for instance, that the woman is more desirable to dance with than her male partner. A funny thing happens psychologically when, all of a sudden, the male becomes more in demand and the female drops off the radar.
You almost think whichever partner is more in demand loves the attention instead of helping her partner achieve the same level of popularity.
Hey there,
Nice site, I just stumbled upon it and I am already a fan.
Frustration galore:
Regularly danced with another guy because The Boy was abroad. Other Guy fell in love with me and wooed me. Girl Without Self-Esteem got caught up in compliments, started doubting long-distance relationship, and almost had an affair.
Due to its almost-ness and other components it took a year to mend the prior relationship once it stopped being long-distance. Still can’t go tango dancing with The Boy because we always start arguing or feeling dissonances b/c either I am caught up in melancholy reminiscing or else he thinks I am, and a series of similar experiences lying behind us makes the whole topic loaded.
He says we should wait and not talk about it until we feel like tangoing with each other again. I feel that the longer I wait, the more discontent I will get, and the less likely it is that I’ll go to a milonga feeling relaxed and unapprehensive.
What shall I do?
Unfortunately, it sounds like Tango is a trigger for bad feelings and moods… what a shame.
Try something different together and rebuild your connection (no pun intended). Taking your mind off Tango could help the two of you.
If the nasty feelings persist, then some time apart might be a helpful way to sort out the feelings you feel.
You need time to flush out thoughts that are getting in the way. If you don’t notice change over time, then the relationship is destructive and you have to move on.
Think about how much Tango misses you?
I recently had the pleasure and the opportunity to attend my first Argentina Tango class at Tango Chicago. It was a wonderful experience. Everyone in the class danced with everyone – so even as a beginner, I got the chance to dance with a partner.
However, I did get a little frustrated with one of my partners – but it wasn’t his fault. It was my fault because it was toward the end of the class and I was experiencing brain overload – I had learned so much.
So when I kept making mistakes, it was extremely frustrating to me. Now that I think about the occasion, I wonder how frustrating it was to him!
I like your dual-mind approach to your frustration. When you think about the other person, it makes you wonder if your frustration is that important in the whole scheme of things. For all you know, your partner could be a ticking time-bomb of emotions!
Well said, HS.
2 things:
1. Always be a Gentleman. Never complain to the lady about anything while dancing.
2. Try humor:
I’m not certain that there is any reason to let your partner know that you are frustrated during a dance. Unless you are being injured in any way there’s no reason to impinge upon a lady’s otherwise nice experience. If her hair is bugging you then say, “mmm, your hair is tasty, is that breck?” or say “I think your hair has fallen in love with my nose”. That way she get’s the message, she thinks the message is funny and she fixes her hair. End of current frustration. If that doesn’t work then go for loose embrace.
Saying that you are “frustrated” might cause her to freeze up, or worse attempt to perform better for you, which is the antithesis of a good time in tango. (unless of course you are performing). Some people have had problems in their past that would cause a simple comment like “I’m frustrated with your hair in my nose”, to feel like a slap in the face. You just never know how your comment will come off, so better safe than sorry.
My goal is always to make certain that the lady thinks that THIS TANGO was the best in my entire life. And that dancing with her made my night. If she feels beautiful and appreciated at the end of the Tanda then, I feel like a successful partner.
Regardless of whatever my current frustration might be, (and at times, there are many) my partner NEVER finds out. That’s my little secret.
Now the above comment about body odor…that’s another story!
Nice post and site, kudos!
/lg
If you don’t mind, I will gladly use your “I think your hair has fallen in love with my nose” line
It’s brilliant!
Great suggestions all around. Seems like you always go for the win/win situation. I like that!
Thanks! And the line is all yours! cheers, lg
Re: tango counseling
I just stumbled upon this post…and yes tango therapy is an emerging field! I’m a dance therapy master’s student doing my thesis on “the experience of relationship in tango” in hopes to do my own eventual “tango counseling.” Good and juicy stuff! Such rich relational material to discuss…
GPolo – I hope you will be publishing (or posting) your thesis. I would be interested in reading it.