It’s no secret that many people, predominantly men, begin learning tango to meet eligible singles. It’s hard to resist such an alluring dance when tango communities are so inviting and modern dating is so complicated. Even better, the ice-breaker of choice is always “Would you care to dance?” and follow-up conversations commence with a simple thank you or you’re welcome.
With such a no-brainer, why go through the hassles of that initial awkward confrontation that you hope will lead to an economic dinner for two and a possible second date? Go to a milonga instead where people are welcoming and encourage genuine interaction through dancing. Ignore your need to impress and switch your focus to dancing and watch as many societal pressures are put on the back burner.
I’ll have the Tour of Italy, garçon!
Tango quickly removes many of the physical barriers people avoid disturbing for fear of offending someone. Often times, you will be cheek to cheek with a stranger you just met without doing more than extending, or accepting, a hand for the dance. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather experience that than regret having a boring conversation at The Olive Garden about how much I love their salad and bread sticks (they are good though).
With physical barriers down for the count, it’s so nice not having to satisfy the prerequisites we usually face like the initial pick-up line and discussions about work and interests, yadda yadda yadda. I’m not saying that shyness is totally obliterated at a milonga, but at least everyone has the common agenda of wanting to dance, which makes them more approachable.
Letting go of the usual expectations opens the door for serendipity to happen. This means both wonderful experiences and nasty insecurities, alike, have equal potential to flourish in this open environment. Some try to impress, while others, realizing that all cards are on the table, scramble to get a handle on their role and provide the best possible experience for their partner. It’s cute, really—human playfulness at its best!
Make no mistake, the milonga is not a meat market like your local gym or night club. While it is a gathering of people that leads to enjoyable social interactions, it has more to offer. It milonga represents a chance to socialize with patience and respect for your partner. We don’t often experience this in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives where instant gratification is rampant.
To the men, I say: go empower yourselves by learning to lead. To the women, I proclaim: liberate yourselves by letting go and following. Forget what you think you’re supposed to do, and discover what you can do. For a real gender bender, suggest switching roles with your partner to really appreciate what the other person experiences. Say goodbye to speed-dating, and my condolences to the way your life used to be.
Keep dancing,
Panayiotis Pete Karabetis
PSSSSSSSSSST! Use the share button below to tell a friend about the blog and start a discussion!
You May Enjoy These:
{ 1 trackback }
{ 5 tango-induced comments… read them, love them, and add your 2 cents! }
It’s also kinda interesting that humans get shy about just talking to new people, but that to hold them and dance with them is somehow easier I’ve always liked dance because it’s easier for me to communicate through movement…somehow that speaks louder in some ways…
I agree; definitely doing things that interest you and meeting people in that environment puts you ten steps ahead in a relationship than just meeting someone random and going on a “first date” and trying to figure out if you have anything in common that way.
I also appreciate the picture of the raw meat… pretty sure I gagged
my two cents, for what it’s worth….
I don’t know about those you know, but I’ll tell you–for all the dating boundaries it smashes, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of hooking up in the community–my guesses as to why include (a) that people know they will see the person all the time (maybe 3-4 times a week!) so they don’t want to make a mistake and screw up friendships/the community dynamic, or maybe (b) that having all this connection doesn’t give the extra opportunity to ask to meet with someone outside of tango (for coffee, dinner, etc.) instead of just getting to know one another 10 minutes a day
My conversion rate is dreadfully low (tango friend to date) and once upon a time I thought it would be a hotbed of tango men as a dating pool! Now I wonder if I’ll be able to convert someone from outside the tango world to tango. My new tango-world-domination theory is to try and date non-tango men who are converted to tango leaders regardless of whether or not the dating is a success! How’s that for a we-need-more-men theory? (I am also leading myself, which has a 100% chance of succeeding in boosting the leader pool, and a 0% or even negative 100% chance of getting more tango dates since I dance with women who I don’t date–)
Thought you’d be entertained by this at least
Dear latangoista – I don’t know where you are dancing, but my NYC tango community dancers are dating each other continuously; and many deep relationships have been born there. I’m not sure if your guesses are appropriate for adult, sophisticated, city dwellers. One of the best parts of tango is that it attracts an experienced and savvy crowd. They’re really not caught up in high-school break-up fears. The only guess I can make is that many enjoy the fantasy that tango offers so much that they don’t want to burst the bubble with the harsh realities of relationships. Many of our dancers are *happily* in relationships with life-partners and spouses who don’t dance. They don’t need to go any further.
I believe that a person’s response to this blog entry depends on how long they have been dancing. Beginners may confuse the ease of physical closeness with actual intimacy. Those more experienced in dancing tango may be more apt to realize that a real relationship has nothing to do with how you dance the tango together. From my personal experience, tango is a way for me to express myself fully, surrender to the emotions lying in patient waiting to be brought up by the music and to create something with another who is having their own experience. But my emotions are never about the person I am dancing with- unless he happens to be my boyfriend. Even so, I’ve had several tango boyfriends who were fabulous, but we had no connection on the floor. I understand that some people come to tango seeking a relationship, but honestly, I don’t think it’s a good venue to find a real one, although perhaps a mirage of one, or many (be it an evocation of a romantic, paternal, maternal, or godly love), may be provoked from your subconscious into your dancing. The milonga is a place for artistic expression, social enjoyment of the music and people, and perhaps an experiment or play of relationship roles; but very little of it is “real”. The real things I’ve gotten from tango have been a few great friendships with fellow females, exposure to all kinds of people and cultures, a great creative outlet, and some skill at dancing. But a place to meet people for a date? Yes, it happens; you may meet someone when you’re involved in a hobby of mutual interest, but it’s not because of something in the essence of the tango dance that makes it a better place than other activities to meet someone. Um, no. far from it. Probably, it’s a worse place unless you arrive superbly skilled at understanding and navigating your own emotions and others’ motivations.