Guest post by Mari Johnson
It seems like a straightforward topic — managing a tango addiction–but, the truth is, I don’t want to manage it.
It’s ironic to think of a coping mechanism for dealing with my tango addiction, when my tango addiction is itself a coping mechanism.
First step – admit you have a problem, right?
Tango is my addiction.
It demands sacrifices and it has rituals. It has saints and sinners and temples. We’re fanatics. Zealots. Missionaries. Pushers. Junkies. We pray. We meditate. We promise anything just to get to the next milonga. There’s no 12 step program for Tango. We don’t want to be cured. At least I don’t.
I want to live and die a milonguera.*
It’s a fever. It’s a cult. It’s a religion. The Church of Tango.
We need balance though – to be able to have this tango life. We need to balance it with everything else. I balance my time between the things that are most important to me – my husband, my family and friends (outside of tango), my job (have to manage that – it pays for tango!).
We must always compromise since there are only so many hours in the day.
Sometimes I don’t get it right. My husband told me the other day that I had let some things slide that I normally take care of. He said, “If it’s not tango, it doesn’t get done.” He was grumpy, but he was right, I had been distracted – not keeping things in balance.
I had to make some adjustments – get through my task list. Time to look at tango a little bit like a reward for finishing the rest of things I need to do. My husband and I set routines and schedules. We negotiate our terms.
Where the addiction comes from . . .
My addiction, as I’ve written elsewhere, is in two parts – the embrace and the milonga. Both find their heart in the music. I can’t give up either one of those, or the experience is simply not complete.
Chan Park, of Tangozen.com, talks about leading by describing building a “nest” for his partner. A place that she feels warm, and safe – safe to connect to him, to the music.
This “nest” is a fundamental part of my experience with tango. When a leader does this for me, the effect is transformational. It’s safe to give everything I have to the dance, and to him. He builds a nest, but together we fly.
The addiction is in the connection. In the tango embrace, that connection is to my partner, and to the music. The safe feeling that so many wonderful leaders have created for me in my few minutes with them is sometimes nothing short of miraculous.
In the milonga, the connection is to my community.
We all come to tango for different reasons. We all want different things from it and we all, whether we mean to or not, bring our own baggage to it. For many dancers, tango is an artistic expression, a creative force, nothing more, nothing less – that is enough.
For me, it is that certainly – but also something else. Tango is survival. And no one could be more surprised by that fact than me.
If anyone had told me 7 months ago that I would be dancing buttons-to-buttons with strangers for fun – I’d have told them they clearly had the wrong girl. I looked at tango, from the outside of course, as a way to feel beautiful and strong.
When I danced close embrace the first time almost a month after starting, my goals changed completely. I only had one goal that mattered – connection. Everything else fell away.
Now I’m constantly striving to maintain that connection – one partner at a time, one milonga at a time. Could it be that it’s not that we’re addicted to tango? Perhaps we’re simply breaking our addiction to being apart from each other in this culture, adrift.
Maybe tango isn’t my addiction. Maybe it’s my natural state.
For fun, have a look at this (symptoms of a Tango Junkie).
* That quote is from an actual milonguera in a video interview that I can no longer find. My YouTube skilz are failing me.
Abrazos,
Mari
About the Author: Mari Johnson is a freelance writer, photographer and researcher, turned tango blogger. When she grows up she wants to be a milonguera. She lives in Central Texas with her adoring, but non-tango dancing husband, two shiba inus, and a cat that is the boss of all of them.
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I believe that quote was in Adam Boucher’s documentary, Tango: The Obsession, which is still available on Amazon. (Wonderful film, BTW.)
omg Pete – I love the picture! Thanks so much for publishing this.
Cherie – thank you tons and tons for the info!! It’s been driving me nuts!! abrazos! -M
Here’s the original source of “You know you’re a tango junkie when…” by Jackie Ling Wong.
http://www.tangopulse.net/impressions/tango_junkie.php
Mari sets such a high bar on how to overcome addiction……by simply calling it the natural state – I love it! And I applaud you on keeping balance esp. with the non-tango dancing hubby. Mine dances, and he is good and tango comes easy to him for how little he practices, the women adore him and he is taking me to Buenos Aires in December so I really shouldn’t complain………I simply wish he were in love with tango like me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to have different levels of love for tango versus a tango lover/unknown to tango partner. I guess we just have to play the card we are dealt!
The solution is to get good. Then you’re an artist!!
Hi, you talk very strongly about “connection” and I understand that it is important for the dance but you sound like someone who does not have a life partner who provides you with the necessary “nest” and “connection” that you yearn so much for.
Regards, Mark
Mark – thank you for your thoughtful comment. Actually, it’s because of the high level of connection (though I wouldn’t claim nesting(?)) with my very encouraging husband (of 17 years) that I’m able to have such strong connections on the pista. I would not have been able to start, or stay in tango, without his support.
Of course much has changed since this was article was originally posted almost a year ago. My connections to the dancers in my local community, as well as my online community, are stronger than I could have imagined. I have the added bonus that my DH has formed his own friendships with people in tango as well – though he still adamantly refused to dance.
Perhaps how you view connection and relationships is a little black and white?